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Welcome to ChilliRat - Home of Mountain Biking Nonsense
So what is Chillirat? Well it appears to be a mountain bike site with loads of tom-foolery and a bit of snowboarding thrown in to boot. Take the time to explore and hopefully you will find something to amuse your idle mind.
Should you wish to comment on how great ChilliRat is or even suggest some new features, please email me.
Follow The Yellow Brick Road - May 08
Its been just over a week now since George was thankfully turned away from the great pearly white starting gate in the sky. Apparently he just wasn't good enough to compete on the eternal heavenly DH course and was unceremoniously dumped back on Earth for physical improvement.
In a 7 hour open-heart surgery operation, doctors considered the options. The idea of replacing a defective aortic valve with that from a pig was rejected by surgeons on the basis that it would be too dangerous as the pigs valve would likely reject George. Surgeons finally settled on a Race Face titanium and carbon fibre race prepared special over a superseded Shimano Acera, 7 speed model after George was heard to mutter "That's Fuckin Rubbish" whilst in a comatose state.
It's gonna be a good few months before George is able to get out and ride again but being the stubborn old git that we know him to be, he is already looking for the ultimate upgrade and is plotting an XC route to Oz along the Yellow Brick Road to ask the Wizard for the blingest of all hearts.
Get well soon George, hope to see you soon.
Here at ChilliRat we appreciate the value of high quality products that provide you with the opportunity to ride harder, faster and longer. Dissatisfied and frustrated with the quality and durability of existing products on the market, we have taken the standpoint of "if you want something done properly, do it yourself", and so with this in mind, you will see an increasing number of ChilliRat products available to buy on these pages.
Christmas and new year are a long and distant calorie saturated memory and so attention amongst the dedicated riders amongst us should now be turning to a new year fitness training regime. However, the weather has been cold wet and generally shit which produces a bit of a problem. Never fear, ChilliRat is here to provide a potential solution. The answer of course is cross training. There are various types of cross training that can benefit the keen mountain biker, the most common of which being running, gym work, and swimming, but you should neglect specific upper body training at your peril, especially for for the more aggressive disciplines of our sport such as DH. It is for this reason that every male should recount their seedy teenage discoveries and perfect the ancient martial art more commonly known as masturbation which every male knows is the cornerstone of every fitness endeavour. Right Dan?
Merry Christmas to all the loyal and casual readers of ChilliRat, We hope that you all enjoy copious food, alcohol, and Christmas cheer, culminating in a messy vomit soaked stupor.
A man has been placed on the sex offenders’ register after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle. "The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex". The accused has denied the accusation, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he had too much to drink.
Don't believe me? You can read the full story in the Telegraph, and the Sunday Mail
I think putting the "offender" on the register is a little bit harsh. Maybe the poor defenceless hardtail wasn't such an innocent party and was actually gagging for a good hard ride like the filthy slut it knows it is. Or maybe he was a peddlephile, in which case he deserved every punishment he got.
In a recent collaboration between the ChilliRat Biological and Ecological Science Departments, research has proven beyond all reasonable doubt that cross country riding is a major cause of global warming and that all enthusiasts of this bizarre and disturbing pastime are in fact eco terrorists with little or no regard for our future offspring.
In addition to the scathing attack on XC riding, the sensational report also provides simple and achievable measures that any individual may take to correct such reckless behaviour. Full Report can be found here.
Can you imagine the thought processes and discussions in the product design department of the company that produced this piece of shit?
Technical Director: So, we are all agreed that our next flagship product should be a folding, electric, fully-suspended, overly robust and heavy Y-framed, 24" wheel, slick tyre'd, high geared mountain bike?... Splendid!
Why the deluded owner of this abomination took the trouble to lock the bike up is a mystery!
Its long been maintained by friends that I can be a teensy bit aggressive out on the trails. This video is a lesson to you all, don't tolerate twats who's sole purpose in life is to prove to everyone how great they are. Big File, "Right Click - Save Target As..."
This video is based on a true story in Cwmcarn.
Courtesy of Gary Spielberg Potter, here is a short video of the riding to be had in Cwmcarn and the Quantocks. Looks like the brothers Potter have been practising.
Video is copyright of Gary Potter 2007©, No reproduction without explicit authorisation... Though I shouldn't think he would give a toss what you did with it.
Massive File, "Right Click - Save Target As..."
The 2007 Tour de France was sensationally interrupted when a dog made of pure hardened steel ran into the path of German rider Burghardt. So hard was the dog that the front wheel of Burghardt crumpled as if it were made of pathetic flimsy alloy with only 16 bladed spokes. The dog seemed completely unharmed in the accident and US scientists are keen to track down the dog in order to extract its DNA for potential military applications.
The weather forecast was atrocious, we arrived to torrential rain, we left in torrential rain, but Saturday was as glorious as the riding and the metric fuckload of BBQ'd meat we ate during the weekend.
For those of you that dont know how much a metric fuckload is, its the same as an imperial shitload. Duh!
Clicking on this attractively coloured text will take you to the gallery.
When your competitive juices begin trickling down your leg and filling your shoes, the only way to stop them is to race! After 3 years, 6 months, and 25 days since the last race at PORC, an event at Combe Sydenham temporarily stemmed the flow, but I fear the banks will burst with catastrophic effects again sometime soon.
Gallery and animations can be found here.
Mountain biking is all about balance, skill and finesse with a good dose of bravado thrown in for good measure. So what better way to cross-train and hone those skills than with an annual snowboarding trip which requires similar qualities. Unfortunately not all of us are as blessed with these skills as others as George soon discovered.
Click the picture to see George, Click here to see how it should be done.
Not really been doing much riding lately. I admit it, Its pretty poor and I have no excuse. This next update is thanks to one of ChilliRats secret informers. Hannah had an operation on her shoulder before Xmas and apparently is really proud of her scar and showing it off to all and sundry. Now I have a theory that I wish to air. Since being with George, Hannah has broken her back, collarbone and cracked a couple of ribs. Also, its common knowledge that "Chicks Dig Scars". Putting two and two together, I reckon Hannah is flashing her scar in the hope of attracting a more feminine lover in order to lead a safer life. There is no denying it!
There comes a time when you just gotta go for your first big gap. Having practiced for weeks on the table top, Hannah went for the 13ft gap jump. The first attempt resulted in a cased landing. Wanting to "clean" it she hit it again, only harder and faster, only to lose it. Wet mud aint always as cushioning as you'd hope and the resulting bone protruding from shoulder was enough to make grown men weep and spew. The doctor diagnosed a severe broken collar bone (No sh!t sherlock!), possible operation, copious amounts of Morphine, and no riding for 6 weeks. Best injury for ages though!
Personally I'd have rounded the gap up to 15ft. Oh, and Hannah, if you wanna make some money while you are off work, I am sure the local crackheads will gladly buy any surplus Morphine.
Arriving in Brick Lane for the UK premier-ish of NWD7 we headed straight for the bar before grabbing our seats on a sticky floor with hoards of other keen riders. Before NWD7 was a film called CKD Bits III which in my opinion was pretty good with great cinematography, sick tricks, and bone-crunching crash sections. However, next was the event we'd all been waiting for. In its own right, its a good film full of insane tricks, massive gaps 'n' hucks, northshore, and exotic locations. However, in my opinion, there was nothing new. Yeah some of the tricks were insane, and Robbie Bourdon's massive gap was unbelievable but its all been done before in previous films. Also, the fact that many of the scenes filmed at organised events were duplicated with CKD Bits III was a disappointment. My opinion, Not the best in the series. 7/10.
Best bits of the film, Robbie Bourdon & Wade Simmons
Worst bit of the night, the 2hr 30m journey home on public transport with a hangover.
Anyway, if you wanna make your own mind up, you can see the trailer here.
He's won the DH World Cup three times now so its about time he got a bit of recognition outside the MTB world.
No one really likes riding in the wet and I therefore have no qualms about being labelled a fair weather rider. However being labelled "A Hobby Rider" that is no better than a £70 Argos bike riding loser by the girlfriend really takes the biscuit. Its p!ssing down with rain outside but to hell with it, I am off out to prove a point. Catch you later.
Its taken 18 months but finally we have the video of George face-planting off the hut in the Les Gets Freeride Park. Cheers to George's Bro, Gary for the DVD.
Let this be a lesson to all of you that don't know how to pull up.
7MB file so probably best to "Right Click - Save Target As...".
Charles Darwin was right when he devised his theory of evolution, which is sometimes referred to as "survival of the fittest". However, in some circumstances the term, "decimation to the dimmest" would be more apt. A recent trip to Somerset resulted in an interesting video clip to come into my possession. The gap is known locally as the "Chris Smith Gap" and is about 30ft. Apparently this kid was on a Halford's special complete with "Zoom" forks. The removal of this kids genes from the gene pool would certainly do humanity no harm.
"Right Click - Save Target As...".
Ever wanted the perfect bike that is at home on a sketchy 20ft huck as it is riding to work? Well finally it has arrived. According to the retailers’ declarations, this bikes specified uses are Jump/Mountain/Racing/Town/Other meaning that you can literally do all you ever wanted on a single bike, safe in the knowledge that you are not riding beyond its limits and invalidating the warranty.
The dedicated ChilliRat testing team has spent the past week on this machine and can confirm that it truly is a one off. The geometry is like nothing we have ever seen, and the performance like no other.
Keen to see the bike of your dreams? Click here.
As mountain bikers I think that we give horse riders too hard a time of it. I mean horses really are lovely animals and the riders of these beautiful beasts aren't as bad as us mountain bikers make out. I mean its not as if they are all stuck up upper class old bints with teeth like Camilla Parker Bowles. And when you have to stop on your favourite descent because there is a horse in the way, just think of it as a welcome rest, after all you have probably been riding for a long time and your legs would welcome it. Should you have the misfortune of being kicked by one of our beautiful equine friends, don't lay into the rider, and threaten to beat the crap out of them, simply poodle off to the hospital to get your jawbone re-set. Drinking through a straw for 8 weeks will probably make you lose weight and hence ride faster. Also the piles of manure are great for growing vegetables packed full of all the vitamins and nutrients you require to keep race fit. So you see there really is a definite positive side to horses and their riders.
So why the change of heart? Well you see my new girlfriend is a keen rider and if I don't keep her happy I'll never get laid again! So come on guys, do me a favour and help me out.
We can all talk a good Northshore construction but how many of us can actually build it? Well for those of you that are better with a mouse than a hammer, Google have come up with the goods to satisfy your creative juices in their new free tool "Sketchup".
Just build away as big as you like safe in the knowledge that the only thing you are likely to break is a fingernail. Once finished, you can even export it to your back garden via Google Earth.
Its official, XC is bad for your health and will ruin your summer. A trip to the physio to get the shoulder seen to resulted in the medical diagnosis of, "its shagged and there is nothing I can do for you". Bollox! The advice of not to ride for 6 weeks will not be heeded and I hope to be out in maybe 2.
So why is XC to blame? Well obviously my skills are not at fault, that would be ludicrous, so it has to be due to the fact that XC riding is so boring that you just switch your brain off and enter cruise control mode. Cruise control in cars is great but it wont stop you careering down a steep bank and into a tree. The same is true on bikes.
what's more worrying than the lack of riding is that I am not supposed to do any strenuous activities with my right arm for a few weeks... how will I survive?
With PORC DH raceday rapidly approaching attention turns to skills and fitness. Its safe to say that not much skill is required on an XC ride, however after 25 miles, your concentration kinda drops and you can easily find yourself careering (minus bike) down a steep bank resulting in bone meeting tree and a subsequent popped shoulder. Bollox!
Pretty p!ssed off that I couldn't even lift the bike let alone manhandle it snorting and snarling down the best that PORC has to offer, I decided to go along and support my friends despite the "Fanny Boy" piss-taking jibes. Karma however was soon to take effect, and the resulting injuries from crashes both during and in between races resulted in the decimation of our band of merry men (and single brave female).
So I think we are all now agreed that its OK not to race when IT HURTS LIKE FCUK!
Anyway, some pics (before I dropped my camera in the dirt and busted it) can be found here.
Rumour has it that the DH World Championships to be held at Fort William in September 2007 is in Jeopardy. An undisclosed source has informed us that there is a dispute between Rare Management and the UCI over TV rights to the event worth an estimated £2m. Discussions are ongoing but our source reports that negotiations are at an impasse with neither side willing to budge.
Disappointed UK bikers need not despair, In a further twist, Fool Promotions, owned by a millionaire entrepreneur has stepped in. Negotiations with the UCI to host the World Championships in deepest darkest Surrey are at an advanced stage. Full support from Surrey County Council and local land owners is being sought and are close to being approved.
The proposed site for the DH will be based on the trail known locally as "Barry Knows Best". Extensive trail building and sculpting is expected to be carried out to bring it up to World Championship standard but the likes of Steve Peat are expected to have a hand in the course design. A widened version of the trail known as "Park Life" is expected to be used for the x4 Cross.
Should this event take place it will be a huge coup for the area, bringing in thousands of pounds to the local community and businesses. Long has Surrey been overlooked as a true mountain biking Mecca, but this event should go some way to rectifying the misconception.
For more information, check out the web site of Fool Promotions
Since starting ChilliRat as my first interweb site a year ago, traffic to the site has gone astronomical! Yesterday I actually hit double figures in a single day! Keen to continue this exponential trend, I entered into a link exchange with a well known online bike store. After weeks of waiting for my link to appear I enquired about the progress. Here was their reply:
"I have enquired about this for you and it seems the reason your link no longer shows is that it has been deleted due entirely to this section.
http://www.chillirat.com/Filth.html
Not something our Directors wished to link to through our site, sorry. I am aware it is a joke, and content is not actually pornographic but we do get comments from concerned parents, and it is simply easier to avoid altogether than have to explain. I hope you understand this as we do have quite a wide customer base, a lot of which are children."
Well I wasn't fooled for one minute. They got scared, they saw a glimpse of the future. A future where valued customers would spend all their time on ChilliRat instead of out riding and wearing bits out on their bikes, thus robbing them of billions of pounds in vital sales, Bwa-ha-ha-ha!
Denying traffic to ChilliRat was their only defence. Its an outrage I tell you, and I'll be onto my MP as soon as they deliver my next order.
One of those rare UK occasions happened this week, it snowed at the weekend meaning that we got to go out and ride rather than endure 3 hours in traffic getting to work because the average driver soils their pants at the mere sight of a snowflake. The ride started with excitement but all too soon deteriorated into frustration when the realisation hit home that snow in Surrey is crap. The snow turned to slush, the slush to mud, the mud to a quagmire. Arse! See Pics.
Excuses! They get in the way of everything that you have ever wanted to do. Typical excuses I hear (from me also) are: No I wont do that big road gap cos I don't want to risk an injury before my snowboarding holiday. Or, I'd better not do that huck, how will I feed my child if I break my leg and cant work. Or, I can't ride, I have a hangover. Or, its a little bit wet, I don't like riding in the wet. So what if you crash. Its not likely that you'll injure yourself badly. So far, our injury count is 2 broken collar bones, 5 broken arms, a broken finger, a dislocated hand, and a few dozen cuts 'n' bruises. Its really not that bad, is it? No, this year I intend for there to be less excuses and more riding...
Just let me get that snowboarding trip out of the way before I try the big road gap!
Has anyone noticed that its got cold, wet, and slippery out there? Boy is is hard to drum up the enthusiasm to get out of bed, but its worth it when you come home covered in mud with a huge grin on your face.
Ever since taking up mountain biking back in 1998, I have had a real problem with the un-educated referring to the activity as cycling instead of biking or riding. I mean, just what do they envisage that "mountain cycling" really is?
To me the term cycling is completely outdated and invokes the image of an effortless gay jaunt down country lanes in your best suit complete with picnic hamper and a gingham table cloth.
In reality, a typical ride usually consists of armouring yourself up, and snarling and snorting your way down insanely steep gnarly rock gardens, launching off drops, tearing skin from limbs and scaring yourself stupid.
There is just no comparison! And what of Northshore Mountain Cycling, can you imagine it?
There comes a time in every bikers life when he is asked to service the bike of a relative or neighbour, usually because the gears don't work properly. Invariably it is a £59.99 pile of shite from somewhere like Halfords or Tesco that has no business being classed as a mountain bike in the first place. You start the job confident that you'll tune it to within an inch of its life, but very soon you come to realise that you are wasting your time and that you have to admit defeat. Upon handing the bike back with the gears working no better than before, you must then endure the sarcastic "But I thought you knew about bikes" comments. Not wanting to hurt their feelings you mutter some feeble excuses about not being familiar with this particular mechanism, instead of being honest and telling them that their "bike" is a pathetic collection of randomly attached sub-standard components that would be put to better use as a clothes horse.
Next time someone asks you to help out, feign a broken arm which prevents you from wielding an Allen key, It's much easier.
I'm not a bad mechanic, and usually service my bikes myself. I only get other people to do jobs that I don't have the tools for, or cant be arsed to do myself. I recently upgraded my brakes to Hope Mono 4s. Fitting them to an Orange Patriot can be a bit of a pain in the arse because you have to feed the hose through the swingarm. So I thought I would give my local bike shop (shall remain nameless) an opportunity to earn some money out of me for a change, £252 to be exact. I could have got the brakes for £239.98 online and fitted them myself, thus saving £12. but I thought the £12 would be money well spent.
I got the bike back and they hadn't bothered to route the rear hose through the frame hose guides, it's going the wrong side down the frame, probably cut too short too, the lever clamps were only done up finger tight, and there is too much hose on the front brake.
Should have gone to Halfords... or is that Specsavers? Either would have done a better job.
If you want a job doing properly, do it yourself.
Admittedly they put it all right free of charge when asked.
I am a bit of a geek when it comes to gadgets and stuff. Up until recently our rides have been pretty relaxed affairs. 5 miles here, 8 miles there, the odd jump, huck, or gap thrown in for good measure. Recently I bought a GPS, now safe in the knowledge that I'll never get lost, I just go out and ride and ride and ride. The other day I rode 27 miles! It may not sound like much to those XC Jeyboys reading but that's 4 of our normal rides, and not a jump in sight. Just hope I don't start wearing lycra!
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